Fucking Master Chief
by Penutsonfire
Summary: What the fuck will Master Chief get into this time?
1. Master Chief reviews a fanfic

One day Master Chief was on his break from the space military. He was really skilled and buff so he was able to take a break every once and a while. He sat down on his comfortable leather couch and got out his laptop. Master Chief did like to go on his computer every once and a while. What he liked to do most of all was go on and read some quality fanfiction. However, what he would just happen to read would be one of the worst fanfictions of all time.

It was called "Johnny Test and the Darkness Within" by Erman Bullock. Master Chief was a big fan of Johnny Test and had enjoyed it since he was a child. Even though everyone likes to hate on it, Master Chief enjoys it a lot and that's his opinion, so if you don't respect it then just go away and stop hating.

Regardless, Master Chief just had to voice his opinion on this fanfiction in front of him, and just why it was so bad.

"This is one of the worst fanfictions of all time. Not only is it unfaithful and insulting to Johnny Test, but also an atrocity to logic and decency itself. If there is one thing that you should take away from this review is that you, by all means, SHOULD NOT read this fanfiction!

Let's start out with the formatting and general writing style, it's awful. First of all, character dialogue is outlined by brackets, not the traditional quotation marks like any other piece of literature. This makes the fanfiction look awkward and hard to read. I would implore you to read it for yourself, but really you should avoid that and take my word for it.

The general writing style is riddled with bugs, including poor grammar and spelling. This is beyond unprofessional. Spell check your work people, don't just post what ever dribble comes fresh off the page! Another flaw I saw was how the author used **Whop-eesh** to describe the whip crack, when simply using **crack** would've sufficed fine.

Now, let's get into the story itself, and boy is it bad. First of all, the author (like any other witless and bandwagoning hater) likes to make fun of the whip crack sound effect. Not only is this joke lazy and boring, but only helps to frustrate me and immediately lose faith in this fanfiction. First of all, this issue is highly exaggerated and is only used by brainless morons to hate on a how without making any actual criticism. It also acts as a smug way to rub their opinion in another's face like 'Hey, I hate Johnny Test! Let me rub it in your face because you can't have an opinion!'. Frankly, it pisses me off.

Johnny Test is extremely out of character in this fanfiction. His actions are cruel and mean-spirited, bordering on psychopathic. The story begins with Johnny whipping his pet dog! What sick mind would think that Johnny Test would ever whip his pet dog and best friend too? Also, talk about animal abuse! The sick mind who wrote this should be personally ashamed! It is even stated that he killed his own sisters! I know that Johnny doesn't particularly like his sisters, but he still loves them and would never hurt them purposefully.

It is implied that Johnny and Dukey were lovers which is repulsive and gross. I wasn't a fan of the bestiality in Sonic '06, but this beats it ten-fold! Dukey makes the correct choice to leave this fanfiction by way of cyanide, although I would like to point out that you don't cough up blood after taking a cyanide pill, like this author wants us to believe.

Johnny laughs like a maniac, which doesn't even match his personality at all. But what he does next is even worse. He takes drugs. Yes you heard me, drugs. Apparently his sisters only used their lab as a drug den. This is false and I think the author should really actually watch an episode one time, just so he knows what he's writing about before he write such moronic plot points such as this!

The drugs that he takes (this still makes me facepalm every time I even think about this point) are described as 'his only friend', even though Johnny has many loving and supporting friends of his. Although since the author thinks that Johnny mutilates his friends for fun, I guess this psycho thinks that drugs WOULD be his only friend.

Now here's where the story really goes downhill. With the introduction of Sissy, one of m favourite Johnny Test characters. It really depresses me to see my favourite character butchered in this story, and makes my resentment towards this author even stronger somehow.

The author apparently didn't think Sissy was a good enough name (even though it's wonderful), so he decided for some reason to rename her. Unfortunately he picked the single worst name imaginable, Vampirica.

As a short addendum, I should mention that the author thought it was cute to use traditional Japanese name honorifics when addressing each character. I would like to mention that Johnny Test does not take place in Japan, and none of the characters in this story are Japanese, so the use of '-kun and -san' fell inappropriate and racist.

Anyways, had I mentioned that Vampirica is a stupid name? Because it really is. I would certainly have preferred the author to use the name Sissy instead of this travesty.

Vampirica and Johnny have a fairly rough dynamic together, although they seem to share some softness for one another. Vampirica also mentions Johnny's black hair which was dyed. I don't know why this choice was made, as the yellow and red flame hair perfectly described Johnny's personality through visuals alone and dying it black only helps to ruin this subtle touch of detail to his character design.

They share some banter before all of sudden a syringe is introduced. This author has some obsession with drugs that I don't think is healthy. Johnny is the first to inject himself, although he also convices Vampirica to take them as well. I find this highly unrealistic, as I think Vampirica would be much smarter than this and resist the temptation that Johnny offers her.

Nevertheless they both die a horrible death together. A cliche and boring ending to such a miserable fanfiction.

This fanfiction is awful, although I have some respect for you, the audience, and think that you could've figured that out for yourself. This author really needs to seek some help, or maybe he should just kill himself now to save some time. I hope you enjoyed my review!" Master Chief said

THE END


	2. Master Chief showering but it's a fanfic

"No please, just leave me alone~! You're far too nice to me..." Master Chief trailed off sadly. He was a bit timid and self deprecating you know.

Private Paul put his hand on Master Chief's cold and armoured shoulder. Even though Paul was a less rank then Chief, he certainly outranked him in terms of attractiveness (Why do you think Chief always is in his armour?). Don't think Master Chief didn't notice this either, as he repelled any contact with Paul out of sheer embarrassment and a lack of self worth.

"Why are you doing this...? If you just trained with everyone else... this would be...so much easier!" Master Chief said, secretly blushing behind his clunky helmet.

"Chief...! Chief. I've probably never said this before, but I don't know what you're feeling right now. Tell me what will cheer you up." said Paul, being protective as usual.

 _Can't he just leave me alone? Why does he keep having to make things so hard?_ Master Chief thought to himself.

Master Chief shook his head, sniffling a little bit. Remembering how his superior officers told him to act he pulled himself together, taking a seemingly more cheerful disposition.

"It's nothing! Just a little raincloud. I'm sorry you had to see that!" Master Chief said followed by a giggle. Paul shot Chief a confused look, Master Chief acted fast to deflect Paul's skepticism.

"Look, smiles from everyone! I promise it won't happen again, and that's all that matters, okay? Go train with everyone else. I'm gonna go home a bit early today~" Master Chief said

"Chief-" Paul started

Master Chief cut him off. "Hey, tell the sarge I wasn't feeling well, okay?" He knew the sarge would buy that one.

Before Paul could say anything else, Master Chief left the room, humming to himself. Although Master Chief's happy appearance didn't tell the whole story. Master Chief usually found it easy to put on a smile for Paul, but this time was different. Why was it so difficult this time? Was it just that the raincloud was stronger than it had been? Master Chiefs thoughts turned.

He thought about Sgt. Jacobs, his superior officer, and how he spoke to him earlier that day. It was really vague and nervous, all too confusing for Master Chief. And it was a lot less confident than how he usually spoke. He'd never seen him like this before. He remembered what he said:

" _L-Look, uh, I'm sure you'll be back to normal soon. Just try to hold out until the big battle, okay? I'm sure by then... everything will work out by then. Also, when- uh, if... If you want to leave early today, then I don't blame you, okay?"_

"Of course, he's trying to shoo me away. I don't deserve happiness- wait, there it is again! Ah! I can't even think to myself without the rainclouds getting in the way!" Master Chief spoke to himself, entering his small room.

The place was usually clean due to his roommates keeping a high standard of cleanliness, but they were stationed at a different post for the time being and the place was kind of a mess.

"Gah! This place is a real mess! Whatever, it doesn't really matter. I won't be around when they get back... That is, if I decide to go through with _that_ plan. I've been plotting it ever since they said they were leaving. It feels more tempting then ever, but now is not the time. That will come... later. _If_ I decide to do it." Master Chief said to himself, locking the door behind him.

Master Chief sat down on the couch, but was feeling restless. He had to do something to clear his mind. Just then, he got a text on his phone. It was from the sarge.

" **hey.. maybe u should take a shower?** "

"Hey, that's not a bad idea actually. A nice, relaxing shower should help clear the rainclouds for a little while, right? And right when I was thinking about what to do too! Of course! The sarge is always there when I- wait... ah, is that what he meant when he said...? I'm already undressed in the bathroom at this point. But just in case..." Master Chief said. He knew how they had hooked up camera's all over to track their soldiers and make sure there was no horseplay or inappropriate behaviour.

He looked for a towel to wear just so the sarge wouldn't be peeping at Chief. On the right side of the bathroom there were three blue towels, along with a green towel that says "BAW" on it. Master Chief hastily grabbed a blue towel and stepped into the shower. He felt so ridiculous as the water started, but he didn't deserve to be comfortable anyways.

Master Chief couldn't help but think of sarge's strange behaviour again while he was in the shower.

 _Can he really see me right now? I mean, he definitely knows more than he... should. He's proven that time and again. It's the whole reason I'm taking a shower in the first place. Maybe it's just a coensidenz... co-in-ci... co... Whatever that_ _word is... Ehehe. I'm a soldier, not a linguist. That's probably why a lot of what he said is confusing. I'm just not good enough to understand him, that's all..._ Master Chief thought while his mind drifted in the shower. 

Master Chief reached for the soap next, although being the klutz that he was, he fumbled it and got it in his eyes! Surprising considering he was still wearing his helmet in the shower, getting the soap past that takes some real effort. Nevertheless he was still in pain from the soap.

Master chief only felt more pathetic now. How could he have messed up a simple shower? And with sarge watching him too only made things worse. Eventually he got the soap out of his eyes and finished washing the rest off of him.

He took the towel of and replaced it with the dry green one hanging on the rack. He thought it looked kind of stupid though.

"I just hope sarge wasn't able to see any of that." Master Chief said while looking intently at the camera, knowing that sarge was well aware of what was going on. "S-Sarge? Can you... pretend that never happened? Please!"

With his shower over, he was ready to relax for now. At least until the weekend, since Chief was going to help the sarge with battle preparations. He though that might be a good opportunity for the sarge to be more open with him... somehow.

However, Master Chief decided not to think about that at the moment, as he was starving!

THE END.


End file.
